


you have me

by hongpikachu



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, I just want them to be happy, M/M, Songfic, ain if youre reading this ily, can JBJ be canon too i beg sokor, idolverse, non-au, short mention of some JBJ members
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 23:38:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11428632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongpikachu/pseuds/hongpikachu
Summary: they just want each other to be happy





	you have me

**Author's Note:**

> song used is Ending Scene by IU  
> the lyrics are italicized

_“Hi, it’s been a while”_

_There’s no question mark in your voice, it’s so you_

_As if it’s a rule_

_Your seat is always the same, by the cold entrance_

 

 

Sungwoon enters the kitchen only to be greeted with Taehyun leaning back on the counter, a warm cup of coffee in his hand while another mug rests on the counter beside him. For a moment, he hesitates taking it for maybe it belongs to someone else, but the other beats him to it for he finds himself receiving the white mug whose surface was still warm.

 

They spent a few minutes there in silence, lips pressed on their own mugs. Sungwoon takes a sip of the coffee and notices that it tastes a little more artificial, or maybe he just got used to having Americanos in between their schedules he forgot how the cheap dorm coffee feels and tastes on his lips.

 

As much as he would have wanted to believe otherwise, the silence between them seemed to be heavy and fragile, that even the slightest slurp would have it shattered. And he hated to admit it in himself, that the person he spent the most with was the person he’d feel the most distant to. But he doesn’t know if Taehyun feels the same and that’s probably what frustrates him the most.

 

He takes a glance at the said male and he doesn’t understand how he feels. All he knows is that his stomach is tied in knots and his entirety is restless.

 

_“Make sure you eat well, because it’ll all pass”_

 

Taehyun doesn’t even ask how he’s doing or why he came to the dorms in the middle of Wanna One’s promotions. Instead, he lets the words slip casually out of his lips, fingers clamped tight around the mug.

 

_“You’ll be able to fall asleep like you did before”_

 

Even in that statement, Taehyun doesn’t waver, Sungwoon noticed. _'_ That’s not true, it’s gonna be busy, _'_ he wants to reply, but opts to press his lips further on the warm mug, trying to stop himself from trembling at the overwhelming emotions that are starting to flood him.  Their shared moments wouldn’t be long, and so he decides to try and at least leave with both of them feeling at least happiness in this temporary separation.

 

_“I really mean it… You have the right to be happier.”_

 

The words end in a faint whisper, the decrescendo threatened to fade in the background if not for the emptiness of the room. And the more he becomes aware of it, the more he remembers their journey together. It started with a share dream and a tinge of desperation, but never did they imagine to make it this far, farther than most people who seem to have stronger fanbases. He wants to protest, wants to tell Taehyun that he deserved to be happier too, to get more sleep and not push himself too, that better things are out there for him, but all of these words end up stuck on his throat.

 

In the end, he leaves the half-filled mug of coffee on where it was resting when he came in, leaving out a faint “I should go, I’m getting late,” before rushing outside the kitchen, not sparing a glance at Taehyun, whose gaze stuck to his back until he was out of sight.

 

When the door was finally shut, Taehyun decides it was the best time to fall apart.

 

_Don’t say those words, please._

 

Sungwoon thinks once he finds his back plastered on the practice room’s cold mirror. The rest have gone outside to change clothes and call it a day and told them not to worry about him, that it would be alright for him to spend a few more moments collecting himself in the quiet and lonely practice room.

 

He thinks of the time the past week when he left Taehyun so suddenly in the kitchen without anything good to say, but he has always had a way of pushing the right buttons to make him flustered and quiet as usual. Somehow, deep down inside he regrets not being able to speak out, tell Taehyun that he deserves to be happier too, even more than his own.

 

He just wanted everything to be like before.

 

_You know those words hurt even more_

Of course it really did hurt, more painful than the feeling of his arms and legs after hours and hours of practicing. It hurt so much more than the time when Taehyun got eliminated on the show. Flashbacks of those moments without meeting Taehyun in the practice room and waking up to find the bed that he used to sleep in get occupied by someone else: those mornings have always been painful for Sungwoon.

 

Most of the time, he wishes that he wouldn’t have gotten in the top 11, that way he could still wake up to the sound of Taehyun’s laugh, breathe in Taehyun’s scent as they pass by each other or sit next to each other in the van, take in every inch of Taehyun falling flat on the floor, shirt drenched in sweat, but smile on his face once he’s mastered the choreography.

 

But he must go on because he knows that when he’s on stage, Taehyun is happy too.

 

 _“You don’t know what kind of heart I gave you…”_  He tells himself, as if Taehyun is in front of him, before exiting the practice room to meet the other members.

 

\--

 

_As much as you were lonely_

_I really hope you meet someone_

_Who will love you more than you_

 

Taehyun leans against the cold kitchen counter, the coffee in his hand gradually matching the temperature of the morning breeze that seeps through the windows. The contents in the mug shakes as he gives himself a chuckle, dry and pitiful, a sound he makes to try and comfort himself.

 

One last sip and he leaves the white mug next to the blue one, both half-filled with cold instant coffee that they’ve been drinking for months out of trying to spend as little as they can until they make it big. He looks at Sungwoon’s back and realizes how much the other has slouched a little and trudged with small steps. Even though they don’t say anything, they know that it was as hard for Sungwoon as anyone else in their group.

 

He’s read the comments: about how he should have not been eliminated, about how he needs to make it in the top 11, about how Samuel or Jonghyun should have been in the 11th place. And if he could, he would surely close Sungwoon’s eyes everytime he comes across an article, to protect him from everything that hurts him, even if it means having to not do or say anything as he walks away.

 

The distance, the longing, the sacrifice, all this is for Sungwoon’s growth, he thinks to himself with a bitter smile.

 

_‘I’m sorry that it’s not me.’_

It was during one drinking session with the other JBJ boys when Taehyun received this message and abruptly stopped his laughter. On ordinary sober days, he would probably hide the frown his lips are forming or hold back the tears threatening to drip on the corner of his eyes, but he was intoxicated and tired of holding everything in.

 

He doesn’t notice the hand Taedong flings over his shoulder, nor the rubs on his back by Yongguk and Kenta, or the way Sanggyun was also rested on his arm close to falling fast asleep, he just wails and hiccups away all the pain he feels.

 

“I just wish I can carry all of his burdens, you know? It hurts to see him suffer like this. I miss him so much; I want to hug him and tell him he deserves to be there more than I do.” The babbling doesn’t stop until it turns into incoherent words in between sobs.

 

_It’s not easy to give._

Taehyun should know, of all people, that giving is never easy. But he does it anyway if it means Sungwoon would be receiving everything he gives.

_Please be honest with me_

The spontaneity of the words makes Sungwoon choke on his coffee. Taehyun has never really been stern unless if it comes to mastering choreography, but even then, he had a hint of gentleness. Now, it felt as if his words were bricks dropped on the floor without hesitation. It was a question that he never had known the answer to after the program was over.

 

“Are you really happy?”

 

 

_You know I believe anything you say_

The thought was unsaid, but when their gazes met, Sungwoon can see it in Taehyun’s eyes, and he never really has the heart to lie that of course he misses Taehyun more than anyone else in the world (sometimes he even wondered if it was normal to miss him more than he did his parents), so he nods with a smile forced on his face, rehearsed to make his eyes slowly disappear.

_Just like you said_

Taehyun, on the other hand, knew better. And he sees the trace of loneliness in the other’s eyes, and whether it was because of him or otherwise didn’t matter at all. He places his warm mug on the side and doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Sungwoon, patting his back, pouring out his heart and soul into one simple wordless gesture in the hopes that the other would also understand.

 

The world seemed to stop as Sungwoon was clutching his trembling fingers on to a shoulder, scooting as close as he could so he can place the mug on the side before wrapping both arms around the warmth that is Taehyun. It was a moment of silence, yet it was nothing like a month ago when the former walked outside the pantry while carrying his bag full of worries on his shoulders.

_“Will I ever receive love from someone who is like me?”_

Sungwoon manages to choke out in the middle of the sobs he didn’t realize he made. And of course, Taehyun always knew the right things to say.

 

“Of course you do.”

 

‘You have me.’ Taehyun thinks to himself with a hidden smile.

**Author's Note:**

> i might do a howons/ponyo-psycho angst soon so if you like this you might like the other one better idk dajflkf but pls anticipate for it


End file.
